Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
