Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
