i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
