how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
