sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
