Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
