I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
