I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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