i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
God, you're like boner-b-gone
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
