His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
