I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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