Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize
