I think my fart just growled at me.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
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He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.