last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
