Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
This is the high leading the old right now
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
