i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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