Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
