someone threw a dead crab at me
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
