I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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