Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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