oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize