sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Randomize
