cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
