Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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