I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
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