Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
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I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
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I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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