too bad you live with your parents still
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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