I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Moan for me like Helen Keller
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
