i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I checked into jail on foursquare
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
