Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
