he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
