well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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