I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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