drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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