one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
