Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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