I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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