Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
