I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Randomize
