I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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