This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
