I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
