a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
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