The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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