you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
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