In the future we'll all be gay
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
