Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
