I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
