your parents love me but you hate me
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
