He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
