if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Randomize
