and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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