She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
