it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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