ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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