if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
