I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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