I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Houston, we have a squirter
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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