My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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